So today I thought I’d write about something I struggled with in a few different ways. First of all, because I’m not high class or need expensive things I didn’t believe I tried to be perfect in any way. Haha. The joke was on me. Little did I know that it means something else completely and I had a severe case of it. I could go into all the things I’ve read about perfectionism, but I’m going to explain what it feels like to me, a former addict and nobody(which is how I thought of myself), but really from an average everyday person. It kind of goes along with being the person everyone else thinks we should be or the person we’ve always thought we should become based on things we saw growing up or just general expectations. I found out the hard way that even when I was using I was living my life in other people’s expectations of myself or what I perceived them to be at least. It’s a tough pill to swallow and very hard to look at all the different things we do just because we think that’s how it has to be. It’s taken me a long time to realize that this is one of the reasons I was so miserable for so long. I’m finally at a point where I still don’t have much figured out, but I do know that I’m choosing to live by my standards from now on, which may greatly differ from everyone else’s. We are each so unique in our own ways and life experiences that there is plenty of room to live life in a way that brings you JOY, EASE, HAPPINESS, and SO much LESSSTRESS. Why haven’t we all realized this a long time ago? Why do we live the way some of us do? That I have no answer for, but I do know the more I realize we do have a choice, the more I want to make choices that make me feel fulfilled and happy and peaceful. Perfectionism to me is that factor that we say “when I have ____ money, I’ll be happy”, “when I meet my soulmate I’ll be happy”, “when I have a beautiful home anywhere in the world I want to live I’ll be happy”, etc. It’s always thinking we need to do more, be more, and have more to be happy. When we realize we can happy whenever we want with exactly the things we have now, life becomes a lot more relaxed and enjoyable. I’m finally starting to look forward to finding the things that make my heart happy and do a whole lot more of that stuff instead of worrying about what I have or have not accomplished yet.
Action To Take Today
You can start to work on this right now if you’re anything like me and are just stressed out and tired of never feeling truly happy. Take a look at your life and find all the good things. Everything that makes you smile, laugh, or get that tickle in your belly. Be grateful and thank God/Universe for everything you have. Then tomorrow, watch for more of those things or new things that give you a good feeling. Thank God/Universe each day for these things and keep finding things every day. When you focus on the positive things in your life, it brings more positive things. This I promise you. It can be an amazing life for each and every one of us if we want it that way.
So today I chose this topic because it’s actually something I’m still struggling with in a pretty big way. I’m hoping that by writing about it and opening up in this blog, it will give me the courage to start being open about this aspect of my life in my “normal life”. The crazy part is that the spiritual side of me, the side that also communicates with spirits, my spirit guides, other beings of the divine, and angels, is now the biggest part of me there is.
So I’m sure you’ve all heard about “spiritual awakenings”. Well, I’ve finally figured out, for sure, that this is what I’ve been going through for a little over two years now. I will tell you how it started for me, but fair warning it’s pretty crazy and it took a long, long time to even admit what actually happened. Some background first, I’ve mentioned I was a very dedicated addict to pain pills and meth for twenty years and this was the beginning of the end of my addiction. From roughly January 2019 to September 2019 I was heavily using meth along with taking suboxone, Xanax, and who knows what else. This period of time is super hazy for me, and when I looked back at it a year ago, I realized there were many pictures of me with black eyes or red on my eyeballs or rashes on my neck or chest. As my memory started returning I still couldn’t say what exactly what had caused all of it. I’m sure lack of nutrients, the excess toxic chemicals going into my body, and not sleeping much was a big part of it. One time, the worst time, when I had a huge lump form on my forehead and ended up with two black eyes and a concussion, I guess I told people I fell asleep sitting up and hit my head on the wall. Which is possible because that happened a few times years back when I used a lot of opiates and would pass out. The night my life changed completely was in the middle of September 2019, one night when I was alone, which was most of the time, up at the apt. The night is very foggy in my head, but the parts I remember are unbelievable and crazy. I remember going through what can only be described as an exorcism, but I was the only one there. It went on for what felt like forever and it was stuff you see in the movies. Some time after that I was on my knees begging for God’s help and what can only be described as me trying to give my life to him. I have no idea where some of the stuff I was doing and saying came from, but at one point I forced myself to look in the mirror and keep looking, and that is when I saw Jesus looking back at me. It was craziest, most awesome thing I’ve ever seen. At the time, I dismissed it, as I did everything else that happened that night. Now I know that I really did see him and I believe it was to let me know I wasn’t alone. Things had been weird before that night for quite awhile, but I assumed it was from the heavy drug use, now I know different. That same night I had an experience that felt like I went to heaven or some other realm. It felt amazing & peaceful and it was beautiful. Everyone I loved was there, but I couldn’t actually see them, only hear and feel them. I remember not wanting to come back, but I came to in my boyfriend’s arms. Now you would think something like this would be enough to make anyone get sober, but nope, not me. Ugh. I totally tried to suppress it all and pretend it didn’t happen. For the next almost year and a half actually, but things kept happening and I was more than aware enough at this point to know something much more powerful was at work in my life. That year and half were miserable for me, yet I had some amazing experiences that are unexplainable throughout this time also. In February 2021, I was at my lowest point ever. My boyfriend and I, I truly thought he was my soulmate, had broken up, I was still using, had no job or money, no where to live, and on the night of the 17th I decided I wanted to kill myself. Now I’ve never been suicidal until May 2020 and February 17, 2021. I planned it out in my head both times and had every intention of going through with it. The next day I was still staying with my mom so it would’ve been impossible for me to follow through, and I decided I couldn’t do it because of my kids and my mom. The most devastating news a parent can ever get came on February 21, when my 25 year old son committed suicide himself. There are no words to describe this pain and I hate the fact that any parent has to endure losing a child, especially under these circumstances. It’s a whole different level of pain and grief. Somehow I got through the funeral and first couple weeks afterward and a lady I used to work with offered me a place to come stay for a week or two, and I’ve been in this town ever since. I’m eight months clean now, the assistant manager at the grocery store here, and it’s honestly a miracle. I never believed it would happen.
So that is how my “spiritual awakening” began. Since the beginning, I’ve known “some”thing was trying to communicate with me and was around me almost all of the time, but pushed it out of my head. I’ve had so many experiences there’s no way I can name them here. I now know that I have angels, my spirit guides/team, and my loved ones that have passed on around me all the time or will come when I call for them. I have discovered unique gifts in myself that I always dreamed of as a child, possibly had as a child and suppressed them. Even with all these experiences and all the “knowing” I have, I don’t talk about this openly to people I know. There are a few people I’ve told some of it, most of it, or even just one story, but for the most part no one knows this side of me. Well, it’s actually now most of me. As far as I’ve always known, people around here aren’t open to this kind of stuff and think psychics are crazy or fake. Believe me, I’ve had enough years being labeled one or both of those for most of my life, and I’d rather not spend the rest of it the same way. Haha. All jokes aside, it’s a big thing talking to people about this, especially family. I’m hoping now that I’ve “come out” on my blog it will make it a lot easier to “come out” in my life. The things that have happened to me and around me the last two years or more is enough to make ANYONE believe and know that there is such a thing as the spirit world and that it isn’t as far away as we all think. It’s pretty amazing stuff.
So back to the beginning of my SPIRITUAL JOURNEY, I was heavily addicted to meth, which is one thing no one is truly honest about. The news and people in general have an image of meth users: they are psychotic, look half dead, are scary, will do anything for drugs, and are basically bad people. While some of this stuff is true to a point, not all of it and not every user is like that. Every single drug addict was at one time just like you or someone you know. They weren’t born that way and honestly most never CHOSE to become addicts. My ADDICTION started with pain pills that my Dr handed over like candy. By the time I was physically addicted to them I had no idea what was going on and that my life was forever changed. I was lost in the pills and didn’t even realize it. I’m not exaggerating or trying to sugar coat it. To this day, I can’t believe how naive I was. I’ve been labeled an addict since I was about 28 or 29 and my life has never been the same. It probably never will be in my hometown and I’m not sure they will ever see me as the person I really am. I HATED being addicted to drugs, couldn’t quit, and was so lost for so many years. And I mean completely LOST. Two years ago, I had something happen that changed me and my life forever. To cut it short, I thought I was dying, losing my mind, and one night when I was at the end of my rope…I saw JESUS in the mirror! I will swear to this until the day I die. He was looking back at me, only for a second or two, but I saw him. I’ve been on a SPIRITUAL JOURNEY ever since. When I finally decided I really couldn’t take the life I was living anymore. I knew something had to CHANGE. One of the first things I had to do was take an honest look at everything and everyone in my life. Even scarier than that was taking an honest look at myself. I was shocked by how much of my life I lied to myself about everything that happened in my life. It was a really rough few months of FINDING PARTS OF ME. I was so ashamed of many things I had done in my life that I didn’t even acknowledge that part of me. I had a childhood trauma come back to me after almost 40 years of completely blocking it out of my mind. I’ve had a lot of HEALING to do and may have more. Now most people are probably not in the depths of DESPAIR I was, but the things I have done to change my life could work for anyone.
It all starts with doing five things HONESTLY and from your HEART: 1. Take an honest look at your life: where you are, the people in your life, what you’re doing, and at yourself 2. Find what’s not working: do you have supportive people in your life or people you probably don’t need to be spending time with, are you happy with your home or do you even have one, is your job fulfilling and are you happy doing it, most important is are you happy with the way you show up in the world, do you respect yourself and others, do you honor your values, are you a good son/daughter, husband/wife, friend, sibling, etc, WHO ARE YOU??? 3. Imagine what your life would look like if all the things that aren’t working for you in your life were gone and instead you were living life the way you really want it, having support you need, being proud of who you are every day, changing where you live or where you work if they don’t align with who you are so can be truly happy WHO ARE YOU REALLY? 4. Write it down or make lists. Something that will make it stick in your head so you can go back and look at it when you need to 5. MOST IMPORTANT STEP Have FAITH that it will happen, BELIEVE and KNOW that GOD/UNIVERSE, the ANGELS, and your SPIRIT GUIDES have your back when you allow them to. Pray or talk to them, out loud or in your head. ASK them for GUIDANCE. I PROMISE they hear you and will come to your side. If you MEDITATE, which I strongly recommend trying no matter how you feel about it, concentrate on the DIVINE and they will come to you. This is something I KNOW WITH ALL MY HEART AND WILL HAPPEN FOR ANYONE WHO ASKS!
Hi everyone! So today I decided I’m going to toot my own horn and tell you exactly how far I’ve come in the last two years, but more importantly in the last seven months. I am not proud of the person I used to be, but she is a big part of who I am today and I’m going to share parts of my journey today, so bear with me. Haha.
Seven months ago, I was homeless, living out of my car, staying with friends or relatives and actually in my car a few times. I was addicted to meth, had no job, had just been dumped by the man I believed to be my soulmate, we can be wrong sometimes lol, and just when I thought I couldn’t take any more, I had a night I seriously planned out how I could commit suicide…and then…my 25 yr old, only son, committed suicide himself. Four days exactly after my thoughts of suicide. To say I was devastated, dying inside, and couldn’t breath, barely touches the surface of my feelings. Today I’m not going to go into how I’ve dealt with his suicide because the point of this blog is to show you how far I’ve come.
About a week after I lost my son, a lady I had worked with about six months before this messaged me and asked if I wanted to come stay at the lodge she manages for a week or two to get away from everything and take some time to heal. I knew this was God and the angels giving me a sign and a place to go when everything felt so hopeless. This is a small town, I knew no one, but it was still close enough to visit my mom and my daughter. After a week of being here, since I had no plans at all, I applied at the grocery store just to apply and got hired. Since then, I have moved from a tiny one bedroom apartment of my own, to a more spacious two bedroom, filled with light, that is also my own. It is filled with everything I need and also things I like. I have 11 plants, and I’m in the process of getting my office completely set up in my extra bedroom. Last week I was promoted to assistant manager at the store! With my work history and lack of experience, this is amazing! The biggest news is I have been completely sober for over six months and I KNOW in my soul, I will never get high again. It is the most freeing and empowering thing I’ve ever done. I am in a completely different mindset than I’ve been in my life. I am certain of angels and spirit guides in my life everyday. There are signs and synchronicities every single day. I’ve had contact with my son and so many amazing things have happened showing me how connected I am to the spirit world.
So even though I have a peer support specialist certificate, a master life coaching certificate, my biggest qualification for being a spiritual life coach is my actual life experiences and spiritual experiences I’ve had the last two years, maybe my whole life. I’m so excited to get started on my life purpose and if you’re interested in hiring me as your coach, please email me at the email I have on the site and I will contact you about getting started. My son and I had a saying for about a year and a half about being me getting sober, “If I can get sober and clean, ANYONE can get sober and clean!” And I truly mean that. Can’t wait to hear from you. Have a great day and keep your head up, better days are ahead.
Today I just want to share what has inspired me to take a chance at something new. Something new that I hope turns into a successful way for my life, the obstacles I’ve overcome, and the many traumatic experiences I’ve gone through to be used as a way to help other people realize they are not alone and they can make it through anything. I’ve been on this spiritual journey for two years now. It’s been crazy, amazing, emotional, sad, joyful, and everything in between all of that. In February of this year, I lost my only son, Blake, 25 years young, to suicide and it turned my whole world upside down. The one thing I always said I could never live through actually happened. I lost a child, and not only lost him, but he took his own life. Omg how can I ever go on? Things were a blur, but I went through the motions and did what had to be done for his funeral, which was actually supposed to be a celebration of life. That kid had SO many people in his life that loved him so much! The building was packed. My favorite part was his friends doing burnouts (if you’re not familiar with the word, it is when people squeal out and leave marks on the pavement) outside the place we held his services. There were Harley’s first, then all kinds of pickups, more motorcycles and even cars doing it. It was amazing and thankfully no one got in trouble from the police, although they did show up. Lol. So my life for the last six months has been learning to live without him on this earth. To say I’m doing good is true, but to say I have times it hurts so bad I want to be with him is also true. I have made so many big and amazing changes in my life and I know he’s very proud of me and has been watching over me and even by my side at times. I’ve had this connection to the other side for at least two years now if not my whole life, but I’m finally trying to embrace it and learn more so I can use it to help people, give them hope and peace that our loved ones are not as far away as we think. I am finally ready to share my story.
If you are a woman that has reached a point in your life where you’re feeling hopeless, powerless, lost, or stuck, I am the coach for you. If you just need that push and someone to show you what you’re worth, someone to guide in the direction you want to go, and/or want to make a life change, I am the coach for you. If you’re still trying to find your path or purpose, I am the coach for you. I am a certified master life coach and peer support specialist that has a lifetime of lessons for experience. I will help you become empowered and see how truly special you are.
Resilience & Recovery 