So today I chose this topic because it’s actually something I’m still struggling with in a pretty big way. I’m hoping that by writing about it and opening up in this blog, it will give me the courage to start being open about this aspect of my life in my “normal life”. The crazy part is that the spiritual side of me, the side that also communicates with spirits, my spirit guides, other beings of the divine, and angels, is now the biggest part of me there is.
So I’m sure you’ve all heard about “spiritual awakenings”. Well, I’ve finally figured out, for sure, that this is what I’ve been going through for a little over two years now. I will tell you how it started for me, but fair warning it’s pretty crazy and it took a long, long time to even admit what actually happened. Some background first, I’ve mentioned I was a very dedicated addict to pain pills and meth for twenty years and this was the beginning of the end of my addiction. From roughly January 2019 to September 2019 I was heavily using meth along with taking suboxone, Xanax, and who knows what else. This period of time is super hazy for me, and when I looked back at it a year ago, I realized there were many pictures of me with black eyes or red on my eyeballs or rashes on my neck or chest. As my memory started returning I still couldn’t say what exactly what had caused all of it. I’m sure lack of nutrients, the excess toxic chemicals going into my body, and not sleeping much was a big part of it. One time, the worst time, when I had a huge lump form on my forehead and ended up with two black eyes and a concussion, I guess I told people I fell asleep sitting up and hit my head on the wall. Which is possible because that happened a few times years back when I used a lot of opiates and would pass out. The night my life changed completely was in the middle of September 2019, one night when I was alone, which was most of the time, up at the apt. The night is very foggy in my head, but the parts I remember are unbelievable and crazy. I remember going through what can only be described as an exorcism, but I was the only one there. It went on for what felt like forever and it was stuff you see in the movies. Some time after that I was on my knees begging for God’s help and what can only be described as me trying to give my life to him. I have no idea where some of the stuff I was doing and saying came from, but at one point I forced myself to look in the mirror and keep looking, and that is when I saw Jesus looking back at me. It was craziest, most awesome thing I’ve ever seen. At the time, I dismissed it, as I did everything else that happened that night. Now I know that I really did see him and I believe it was to let me know I wasn’t alone. Things had been weird before that night for quite awhile, but I assumed it was from the heavy drug use, now I know different. That same night I had an experience that felt like I went to heaven or some other realm. It felt amazing & peaceful and it was beautiful. Everyone I loved was there, but I couldn’t actually see them, only hear and feel them. I remember not wanting to come back, but I came to in my boyfriend’s arms. Now you would think something like this would be enough to make anyone get sober, but nope, not me. Ugh. I totally tried to suppress it all and pretend it didn’t happen. For the next almost year and a half actually, but things kept happening and I was more than aware enough at this point to know something much more powerful was at work in my life. That year and half were miserable for me, yet I had some amazing experiences that are unexplainable throughout this time also. In February 2021, I was at my lowest point ever. My boyfriend and I, I truly thought he was my soulmate, had broken up, I was still using, had no job or money, no where to live, and on the night of the 17th I decided I wanted to kill myself. Now I’ve never been suicidal until May 2020 and February 17, 2021. I planned it out in my head both times and had every intention of going through with it. The next day I was still staying with my mom so it would’ve been impossible for me to follow through, and I decided I couldn’t do it because of my kids and my mom. The most devastating news a parent can ever get came on February 21, when my 25 year old son committed suicide himself. There are no words to describe this pain and I hate the fact that any parent has to endure losing a child, especially under these circumstances. It’s a whole different level of pain and grief. Somehow I got through the funeral and first couple weeks afterward and a lady I used to work with offered me a place to come stay for a week or two, and I’ve been in this town ever since. I’m eight months clean now, the assistant manager at the grocery store here, and it’s honestly a miracle. I never believed it would happen.
So that is how my “spiritual awakening” began. Since the beginning, I’ve known “some”thing was trying to communicate with me and was around me almost all of the time, but pushed it out of my head. I’ve had so many experiences there’s no way I can name them here. I now know that I have angels, my spirit guides/team, and my loved ones that have passed on around me all the time or will come when I call for them. I have discovered unique gifts in myself that I always dreamed of as a child, possibly had as a child and suppressed them. Even with all these experiences and all the “knowing” I have, I don’t talk about this openly to people I know. There are a few people I’ve told some of it, most of it, or even just one story, but for the most part no one knows this side of me. Well, it’s actually now most of me. As far as I’ve always known, people around here aren’t open to this kind of stuff and think psychics are crazy or fake. Believe me, I’ve had enough years being labeled one or both of those for most of my life, and I’d rather not spend the rest of it the same way. Haha. All jokes aside, it’s a big thing talking to people about this, especially family. I’m hoping now that I’ve “come out” on my blog it will make it a lot easier to “come out” in my life. The things that have happened to me and around me the last two years or more is enough to make ANYONE believe and know that there is such a thing as the spirit world and that it isn’t as far away as we all think. It’s pretty amazing stuff.
Resilience & Recovery 